This column is a limited edition.

That’s right folks. Only one made. 1 of 1. VHTF. And not only is it a limited production run, it’s only being released in ONE place. Joe’s Diecast shack. It is a limited edition exclusive web only column. 

And since it is such a limited release piece, I had decided to stuff it into my locker before anyone gets a chance to read it. I guess it might be unfair that I am the only one with a chance to view and read it, so I have decided to share it. But, it’s only going to be FOR A LIMITED TIME. Joe, please post this article for no more than 45 seconds and then remove it.

 I hope you have a good internet connection and some free time available during the limited window of time that it will be viewable. Consider yourself lucky though, as members of the “Puck To The Jaw” club, you will have access to that 45 seconds. We say that it will be made available the next day to non PTTJ members, but we all know about that. *wink wink* 

I know that there will be some people who will copy and paste the text quickly and post it on Ebay. That’s a shame, but I have to tell you it is not my responsibility to police the secondary market that my distribution policies have created. I will make every effort to watch every Ebay auction of my column and I will shut down any unscrupulous auction that misrepresents their status of actually possessing the column until such a time as they can re-word the auction and re-post it. 

It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. And it’s not really my responsibility to do it. I hope you can appreciate all the trouble I go through for you. But I know I can just call you ungrateful if you complain about it. Or better yet, my minions will call you ungrateful for me.  

To capitalize on the limited nature of this column, I will release a very similar column, with a lot of the bigger words removed, into regular circulation in my usual cases of paper that get sent out. Just as a matter of keeping the secondary market rolling along, I will make sure that 1% of all columns will be written in 10pt Tahoma font, and with all white letters. Another 10% will be written in Monotype Corsiva (12pt) with all green letters. These will be randomly inserted into cases being shipped. 

Then, in order to help certain outlets with sales and demand (yes, I know Joe’s is the primary point of delivery, but online is just a place for the LIMITED stuff), I will produce even more limited edition columns with mostly the exact same words. For a special Reader’s appreciation day at one place, I will release four different rainbow colored editions, each with a recipe for some really rippin’ fajitas. To help people identify which ones are the limited ones, I will place some of the rainbow fajita columns on Ebay a week before. 

THEN in order to help “We B Reading” I will release some columns with no words printed on them, on bare newsprint stock. Again, I know it is a little odd to do this, but I have always maintained that it is very important to help out certain outlets’ employees whenever I can. And who knows, you might just get lucky enough to catch one on a bad day and see one of these plain old columns lying out in the open. You can dream. 

I also plan to re-release replicas of older columns along with some other new columns that are similar. I will be shipping these out everywhere, but instead of putting the replica columns four or five to a case, I will load the cases up with the newest columns.

I have been receiving complaints that not everyone who wants a column can get one, while others who don’t want them (or can’t even READ) are getting four or five. I’m addressing that too. I will take a version of this column and let you decide what font I make it in. THEN, I will take orders for how many to print and send it directly to you. You’ll get it around April. 2006. 

So that about covers most of the column junkies, the ones who have to have every one. But beware, as I understand it there are people out there who are changing the font type on their own. I cannot condone this behavior, especially when they try to represent the new font as a limited run or error.  

To appease the font changers, I will occasionally hold a contest to see who can change my column in neatest way. Hint: choose wingdings.  

Those of you who like my old articles in their original or slightly read form, please continue going on about your business. Please try not to disturb the others with your laughter.

So, now that the ground rules are out of the way (sheesh, what a lot of hoops to jump through), here’s my column: 

Crap. I’m out of space.

Ummm… Sorry if you don’t like this column. I promise I’ll do better next year. I was just purchased by a company that produces columns very fast (although, they are kinda sloppy), so I will be producing columns march farther nextum years. Quality controlling might sufferage a linnle, but their being more availablest.

-43Goalie

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